Abortion Recovery Kit!

A fellow lady who had corrective womb surgery and I came up with this. I had a  few friends send care packages and it was the greatest thing. It made me feel so loved and proud. If you wanna tell your lady that she’s the cunt-loving master of her sexual universe I suggest putting together something like this. (Or if you wanna prepare these things yourself like I did)

First you’ll need a crucifix and crushing sense of shame — OMG JJJJJJ FUCKING KAAAY.

1. Salty borthy soup/crackers — after surgery your body is alll waaaahhhhhh. I threw up a grip from the morphine so for every one’s sake you want to put stuff in you that’s easy on the belleh.

2. Hot Tea/ Port Wine/ Bourbon — If you were like me you couldn’t hold down the booze during the fetus invasion. Now is the tip to slowly sip some sweet ambrosia. Its so soothing. Stay away from beer. It makes you more bloaty.

3. Fuckin Popcicles — You earned sweetness —but not dairy! That shit is hard to deal with after surgery.

4. At least 1-2 season’s worth of quality tv dvds. You really can’t do too much while you’re recovery except sleep and complain about cramps. Take the day to watch the a show that you can nod in and out of. I watched 2 seasons of The Office. I cried a lot. Stay away from Deadwood or The Sopranos. That shit is all about the existenial abyss. You don’t need that right now.

5. Tabloids —- obvs.

6. The best pain pills your dealer can get — not that you’ll be in that much pain at all but it really doesn’t hurt to feel all floaty on vicodin. Or just get tynelnol if you’re scared to take drugs about drugs, puss.

7. Anything that brings humor to the situation. My fantastic friend sent me a huge package with girly themed lotion and make up, candy, magazines, fake candy grillz and temporary expecting mommy tattoos which blew my fucking mind!

Anybody got more to add?