The Pregnancy Gnomes Have Gone and Tenderized my Tits

ow.

bike riding — owwwwww.

i feel like a line-backer was jumping up and down on my chest all night.

Once again, I keep thinking it’s all in my head but then The Google tell me it is so. The Oracle speaks:

What is Breast Tenderness During Pregnancy?

Breast tenderness during pregnancy is a very common thing. In fact, it is often one of the very first signs that you are pregnant. Breast tenderness simply refers to the soreness, swelling, and sensitivity that you feel in your breasts during pregnancy. Typically, this tenderness begins between the fourth and sixth week of pregnancy, and continues through the first trimester.

So morning sickness, cravings, swelly ouchy titties all happen in the first trimester. Given my avid watching of day time talk shows and tabloid trash I somehow got the impression that if you ignore your skipped period a lot of chicks go pregnant without notice until the second trimester. This is based on all those teenagers who randomly give birth before prom and we’re like “but i didn’t know!!!”. Now I think they’re twice as clueless. This shit has totally taken over my body. Unavoidable.

I also keep getting tightness in my lower back and tingling throb in my ovary parts. I automatically think, “Oh, I’m going to get my period this week.” And then I realize: um, no you’re not.