To The Men Who Put the Killer Kidney Beans in our Bellies: Notes on Etiquette

To the Testicle Laden Young Men —

You are a supplicant.

There are thousands of times when partners have equal needs and should communicate them fearlessly.

Now is simply not one of those times.

You have no claim to how or what happens to this woman’s body. What you do have control over is the atmosphere around her. You better make that as easy as possible.

NEVER ASK : “SHOULD I GO WITH YOU?” Don’t put her in that position, to debate whether or not you deserve to be there, whether or not you can handle it, if you will make the situation better or worse, don’t let her feel like you are looking for out. You say this: “I want to go with you.” And that is all you say.

This is not relationship advice. This is practical “what to do when your chick doesn’t want a creature in her belleh”. When this happens you are only there to serve. Financially, emotionally, physically.

This is not punishment, its selflessness.

IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO MAN UP.

There are few clear tests of manhood in our post-gender-post-rational society today.

But this is most certainly one of them.

And this one is about a sacrifice.

Put aside your emotions, your visions, desires, and morals out of respect to the woman who has been so kind to let you enter her beautiful luscious bivalve, open and pulsing. Glimmering and deep.

You take your queues from her. If she is a cavalier and calm about it keep cracking the jokes and reassuring her.

If she feels the gravity of the situation expanding around her, try to keep her centered but do NOT invalidate how she is feeling. Here is when you ask a thousand questions. It feels good. Trust me. When all else fails rely on your own curriosity. You have no curriosity about the situation then should stop fucking women.

If you are confused about it and what it all means, think of it in physical terms: your lover needs an invasive surgery on her lady parts. The concern here is the lady parts, the bleeding, the cramping, the sickness she may feel. Any moral dimension to situation is a fiction. You should not impose your morality on her. Or debate her. Try to keep her focused on the physical aspects.

This is no time for paternalism. You do not know her body better than she does. You are a silent partner, chauffeur, and blockbuster bitch. If your lady wants all of Mad Men season 1, YOU WILL FIND IT. If its all rented out you go to Tower Records (RIP) and you shell out the 60 bones for that shit.

Growing up I had all types of vag issues. I would get chronic bladder infections and then had a round of HPV. My father who was in charge of all our medical bills would get tons of invoices from various gynecological clinics all over southern California. All he said to me was ” I have a lot of bills here, are you alright? Is there anything I can do to make it easier on you?” I said no it was cool. He said “Ok, I’m here to talk about it if you want”

Whenever I had a stomach ache, a high fever, or sore throat, I said I wanted to go the hospital both my parents insisted that I go. There was never any question. Even if a 2am visit to the ER was going to do little for my fever, if going to talk to doctor was going to put me at ease they would encourage me to go.

I have come to expect this type of deference from my lover. I have been disapointed. The negoitations that took place over this abortion have broken my heart.

Hey, it ain't no big thang

I got an email from a medical type who suggested that after they remove the embryo to ask to look at it because so many women are surprised to see how small it is. Just a clump.

Knowing me I’ll be so whacked out on morphine I’ll probs ask the doctor to laminate it or if i can “reblog it”.

Anyways, I’m going to do it. Maybe I’ll bring a quarter and try to get a comparison and report back.

Dear This Pregnancy,

I don’t know what I ever did to you, This Pregnancy, but you’ve picked the wrong woman.

You’re trying to fist-fuck me with this shit and are showing no remorse. Your merciless tactics will not go unpunished. I will qualify this war in the harshest of terms.

There is no moral component of this situation to me. You have invaded my sovereign womb and have poisoned me with your vindictive nature.

I like my lady parts, I like afterwork cocktails, I like my sex drive, I like not feeling as if I’m on a plummeting elevator (boxed in and sinking) all DAY LONG.

I want it back.

And I will take it.

You are thriving in a bubble of futility.

There will come a time when I will welcome you. And shield you and your home against any danger.

But now is not that time.

You’re a son of a bitch. You will be rolled up between my forefinger and thumb and crush.

Yours in haste,

N

Fact

I have twice as many chins as I had two weeks ago.

I promised the Moms that I would stop Googling things. And I will because the weight gain is always tied into the fact that this creature is popping out a new limb or some shit. Let’s just all hope that when I go back to not eating dairy and not working out I will shrink back down.

But let me tell you something my boobs are just massively awesome looking right now. Really plump and full. I’ll kinda miss these suckers.

The A-Bomb

The air the I breathe seems to carry no oxygen in it, only a thick sludge. The first four hours of every morning these past 7 days has felt like a biblical hangover.

Is the “nausea circle” a ring in Dante’s inferno? It should be. I’m going to toss that in between the people who have to eat their own shit and the sad, spooky, unbaptised babehs.

I also have constant heart burn that sears with fire of a thousand suns!!

Every thing that involves moving takes monumental energy. I’m mostly able to sit in pajamas and whine.

How the fuck do unwed teenage mothers get up everyday and go to homeroom with this shit??

The good news is my mom was all like, and I’m paraphrasing here,:

“Nu uh!! You ain’t going to be alone. I’m flying out.”

I’m happy she’s coming but I got used to the idea of being on my own. Kind of like a sick dog likes to crawl under the poorch. Quiet and undisturbed.

I most liked the idea of not having to react to anyone elses emotions during the whole thing. I was just going to roll all Virginia Woolf and shit, with a room of one’s own.

Shouldn’t complain though. My mom could have made me keep and then pawned it off as her own in an isane move to save her political career. Am I right people, am I right ? Thought so.

Not afraid to be servicey!: Why the wait on that whole abortion thing?*

A couple people emailed me asking.

One woman accused me of prolonging this just so I could keep the blog going. LOL, people, mad LOLerskates. I have tons of other things about my vagina that I could blog about. I mean have you guys heard about my vagina? Wars have beem fought over it. Massive monuments in large city squares bear my vagina’s likeness. My vagina is considered so pure, so heavenly and ethereal orphans regulary eat off it.

But anyways back to the abortion.

So part of the decision has to do with money and work constraints but it mostly has to do with the fact that there’s a window that you have to hit just right. This is between the 5th and 6th week and then between 8th and 12th week. Let me bust some knowledge on you.

The Pill: Must wait 5 weeks

They (as in Planned Parenthood and three other clinics I called) will NOT give you the pill before the 5th week. The reasons for this are pretty vague, I assume it has a lot to with liabilty and the fact that its hard be proof postive that youre preggers without going 4 weeks without your mensies. These places will also not give you the pill after the 49th day from your last period. Which means if you find out on your 4th week you have to wait a week. If you find out 6th week that you’re pregnant you can do it. If its the 7th: no dice. I found out on the 5th and decided to not do the pill because there’s simply too much labor (heh) involved.

Surgical Abortion: 8th to 12th week

Jesus Christ people do you think they’re handing out abortions willy nilly?? They want to be able to get a full ultrasound on you before they give you the hose. So if you forgo the pill you have to wait until the 8th week. Then at PP they give you the ultrasound, a counseling session, a full check up, and then you get on the slab. At planned parenthood they only do abortions on weds and saturdays and they have no problem making you wait an extra two weeks for a slot to open up.

I’m getting this fucking nausea inducing creature out of my darling womb on the 9th week because I already have the time off scheduled .

**I’m reposting this because I originaly uploaded it on my mobile device and it looked like balls

Secrets of the "Clean Out My Ya-Ya" Sisterhood

How rad are you guys? No seriously, shut up I’m being real right now. Y’all are just incredible. I posted an email address just in case some one wanted to reach out and I got a bunch of super supportive, witty, candid emails from ladies who just wanted to talk about shop about their uteri. Even one lady who offered to adopt “Tumor” (that’s why I’ve named the embryo). As I’ve gotten older I’ve become cynical about the flimsy “sisterhood” feminism preaches, but I’ve got to say I’ve been totally over taken by all the cuntlove (you have read “Cunt” haven’t you? Get on it!). This experience of writing and casual community that has been formed has reignited the same exuberant pride of being a woman that I first felt when I started reading feminist writers and going to femmy meet ups. This situation is so uniquely feminine, so intrinsic to our mystified biology that I feel so much more connected to my gender than I have in the recent past. Sadly, the times I’m most reminded that I’m a woman is when my porcine boss snapped his fingers at me and that agonizing walk from the metro stop to my front door. The complex, coveted, and controlled nature of our sex is too often realized in times of crisis. (That was probably the most overwrought sentence this blog has witnessed but you get where I’m going. Sidenote on writing: Simple expression of the abstract thought. Always. Always. ) No hate mail yet! Way to keep it classy internet! I will respond to each of you because you are you. And you are great today. ps. What about BristLOL??!!? Hilarious!

Alone on A-day

I moved across the country from all my family and friends about 6 months ago for work (mistake). The man who put this seed in my belly can’t be in town the weekend I’m scheduled to have my surgery. The other people who I’m friends with in this town aren’t ones I want to hang out with all weekend really. We’re very good friends but that’s a whole lot of intimacy throw on one person. My one great friend who lives here is a dude. And he’s an anarchist. So you know, that’s EXCRUCIATING.

This is what’s making me the saddest. Not that I’m having an abortion but that I live in a city where I don’t have a friend I feel close enough to any one who will hold my hand through the abortion. The most enchanting and empathic girl in the world — my best friend— lives on the opposite coast, lets call her Carrie, and I want to fly her out here so she can play with my hair and watch Law and Order with me. But its logistically difficult and expensive.

I will call one of my less close friends to take me home from the clinic. Then I plan to curl up with The Wire (least girly show ever) and be on painkillers. But I almost rather it be a stranger because I rather have the anonymity that the forced intimacy.

If this town had nicer cab driver’s I’d just pay to have them wait for me outside the clinic. ! Today is the worst day so far and it has nothing to do with pregnancy. It has to be with just being so damn lonely, this whole abortion thing just threw the situation into cold uncaring light.

Not Guilt, Just Horror

I feel terror for the first time. Fuck you Google, with your plethora of accessible facts.

This is like finding out you have a tumor…with feet.

How Big is the Baby at Seven Weeks Pregnant?
During pregnancy week 7 your baby will grow tremendously, up to 13 mm in length! Your baby is much closer to the size of a large blueberry or small grape by 7 weeks pregnant than a pea.

Your Baby’s Growth and Development
At 7 weeks pregnant facial features become more prominent in your newborn. Upon close investigation you may be able to discern a mouth and even a tongue (you actually can’t see the tongue, but it is forming inside your baby!). During pregnancy week 7 your baby’s eyes will also start to become more fully formed, and now have a retina and lens attached. The major muscle systems in the body also continue to develop during pregnancy week 7, and your baby begins to produce his own blood type. Your baby’s movements will be uncoordinated at best at this point during pregnancy, but rest assured your little one is squirming about his new home.